Open Your Eyes

After ending a relationship with a narcissist, one of two things will happen. They’ll immediately spin the block with the hope of reconciling, or you’ll instantly become their number one enemy and there’s nothing they won’t do to destroy you. Neither of these options are personal to you, both are the result of their incredibly fragile ego that won’t allow them to “lose”. The narcissist is extremely sensitive to the thoughts and opinions of others. This is why they put on such a show with others, and will act a complete fool when they’re alone with you; on top of that, they’ve insisted that you keep what happens between the two of you private. (Side note: anyone who requires secrecy about your relationship will, or already has begun abusing you.) So, when you leave, even if it’s after they break up with you, they believe they’ve been placed in the spotlight, and narcissists hate truth-bearing light. They’ll never admit it, however, they know deep down that they’ve mistreated you, and for whatever reason, they’re terrified for others to know. The path of least resistance, in this case, is to get you back. This way they can ensure you’ll keep their little secret. They will beg, plead, and apologize to get you back; and if you’re paying attention, you’ll see that none of these efforts are sincere. They have trouble articulating what they’ve actually done wrong, and when they do, they’re blaming you for it. This is an indication that though there’s the promise of change, the intention to change is nonexistent. If you go back, it’ll be better for a little while, then boom, you’re right back to the old patterns. If you’ve found yourself in the pattern of leaving and returning, I get it. There are so many beliefs to contend with: “will I find someone else to love me?”, “I love them”, “there’s no one else for me”, “I want to keep my family together”. In addition to that, there’s all of the things they tell you will happen if you leave them, including threats of self-harm and self-sabotaging behaviors that pull at your heart strings. This is why on average women return to abusive relationships 5-7 times before leaving for good. The truth is, these women eventually find out what women who leave once already know, the narcissist is never going to change. You’ve learned to love them more than you love yourself, which is like pouring into a black hole, because they can’t return the love and care you’ve given to them; they’ll never know how. When you do leave, prepare yourself to meet the real person you’ve lived with, slept beside, and created children with. They couldn’t contain you in a relationship, now, they’ll do what they can to destroy you. The goal here is to shift that spotlight that’s been placed on them to you, and to make you look like the problem. This is why they’ll instantly find another woman (see someone will be with me, not you) and they’ll tell that woman all of the horrible things you’ve done to them. They’ll contact any of your family and friends they believe they can manipulate with tales of your issues. Before a court, they will tell the most vicious lies under oath to take away everything you have, even the kids whom they have no intention of caring for. Until you’re in the situation, you won’t be able to imagine how far they’ll go to paint you as the evil villain; and even when you’re in the situation, you may struggle with what you’re hearing about yourself. I’ve heard painful stories, from many women about the ways in which the narcissist ravaged their lives and the lives of their children all because of their ego. So, what do you do? In a nutshell, you do the very best you can do to take care of yourself. That task is a tall order because if you’ve spent significant time in a relationship with a narcissist, you don’t know what it means to take care of yourself. Self-care is a skill, that once developed will provide you with the love you didn’t know you could give to yourself. What you need right now is love. Yes, love from others can go a long way, but until you’ve learned to love yourself there’s only so much real love you can tolerate from others. You thought love was jealousy, attention, and control; these don’t come close to embodying love. Love is being seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who you are. Love is free and fun and peaceful at its core. Love let’s you be you, unapologetically. You deserve to be loved, and it begins with you. If you want support in getting back to love, it would be my pleasure to join you on your journey. Visit theothersidetherapy.com or email me at info@theothersidetherapy.com In the meantime, begin taking good care of yourself!

I’ve heard it said, “you don’t see people as they are, you see people as you are”, and there’s so much truth to that. If you’ve ever had someone accuse you of something, seemingly out of the blue, with no knowledge of where the accusation came from, you know the impact of not being seen as you are. You hadn’t even considered doing what they said you’ve done, and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. They’ve determined you’re guilty simply because they said so. This is a classic example of projection, and most of us do it. Projection is the imposition of one’s own perspective – thoughts, feelings, & behaviors – onto others, and it’s most easily identified when the perspective tows the line of the unacceptable, like tendencies toward cheating, stealing, etc. Projection, however, can be equally as damaging, possibly even more damaging, when we, without evidence, assume others share our positive perspectives. Many people everyday find themselves in abusive or dangerous situations with others because they assume that others are inherently good, simply because they themselves endeavor to be good to others. Women overlook bad behavior in men, parents excuse a lack of discipline in their children, and strangers let down their guard, all because of a commitment to seeing the best in people. The reality is, people lie, cheat, steal, and kill every day, and though it is my hope that none of those circumstances happen to you, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. In fact, I was recently touched by the story of Lyntell Washington, a pregnant Baton Rouge woman who was murdered in front of her 3-year-old daughter by her then boyfriend. She believed he was better than all the men she dated before him, and she was mistaken, he was much worse. She confronted him about lying, and threatened to disclose their affair to his wife, and he killed her. If that weren’t bad enough, he attempted to use another girlfriend to get away with it. I imagine Lyntell had questions prior to discovering his lies, and I imagine she used projection to excuse those questions so she would not be seen as difficult or combative, and because she likely believed the best, in the face of the worst, she lost her life. Questions are protection; and in order to ask effective questions, you must maintain an awareness of the truth. Ducks quack, liars lie, and thieves steal; and when you excuse and overlook that behavior, you set yourself up to be harmed. Often it seems easier to just trust people, to not maintain boundaries, or to be nice; the truth is the people who approach interpersonal interactions this way are more likely to be harmed. Most people will not be like Lyntell Washington; however, the damage of emotional abuse alone can take years to recover from. Please understand, you can’t afford to see the best in people, you must see the truth, even when the truth makes absolutely no sense to you; and at times, it won’t. I regularly listen to women share stories of the harm being done to them by men they once loved, and it pains me because I know that at some point, they projected positive thoughts and feelings onto these men to settle for less than they ever deserved. It pains me much more to hear about the harm being done by their family and friends, during the aftermath of the breakup, who can’t understand how low these men will go to destroy their former mates, and that there are systems that support them. The truth is, it is useful for children in challenging environments to escape reality in this way, it is harmful when we continue to do it into adulthood, to ourselves and potentially to others. It's time to call a spade a spade. We uphold problematic systems, positions, and relationships when we fail to simply accept the truth that the humanity can be anything from graceful and kind to devious and diabolical, even when the person before us once played the role of graceful and kind. There’s nothing more that’s required from us but that we simply pay attention and open ourselves to the facts of what people do, and ultimately who they are, and the only thing required to do so is time.