Spinning the Block

Kerrie Hudson • July 1, 2025

After ending a relationship with a narcissist, one of two things will happen. They’ll immediately spin the block with the hope of reconciling, or you’ll instantly become their number one enemy and there’s nothing they won’t do to destroy you. Neither of these options are personal to you, both are the result of their incredibly fragile ego that won’t allow them to “lose”.


The narcissist is extremely sensitive to the thoughts and opinions of others. This is why they put on such a show with others, and will act a complete fool when they’re alone with you; on top of that, they’ve insisted that you keep what happens between the two of you private. (Side note: anyone who requires secrecy about your relationship will, or already has begun abusing you.) So, when you leave, even if it’s after they break up with you, they believe they’ve been placed in the spotlight, and narcissists hate truth-bearing light. They’ll never admit it, however, they know deep down that they’ve mistreated you, and for whatever reason, they’re terrified for others to know. The path of least resistance, in this case, is to get you back. This way they can ensure you’ll keep their little secret.


They will beg, plead, and apologize to get you back; and if you’re paying attention, you’ll see that none of these efforts are sincere. They have trouble articulating what they’ve actually done wrong, and when they do, they’re blaming you for it. This is an indication that though there’s the promise of change, the intention to change is nonexistent. If you go back, it’ll be better for a little while, then boom, you’re right back to the old patterns.


If you’ve found yourself in the pattern of leaving and returning, I get it. There are so many beliefs to contend with: “will I find someone else to love me?”, “I love them”, “there’s no one else for me”, “I want to keep my family together”. In addition to that, there’s all of the things they tell you will happen if you leave them, including threats of self-harm and self-sabotaging behaviors that pull at your heart strings. This is why on average women return to abusive relationships 5-7 times before leaving for good. The truth is, these women eventually find out what women who leave once already know, the narcissist is never going to change. You’ve learned to love them more than you love yourself, which is like pouring into a black hole, because they can’t return the love and care you’ve given to them; they’ll never know how.


When you do leave, prepare yourself to meet the real person you’ve lived with, slept beside, and created children with. They couldn’t contain you in a relationship, now, they’ll do what they can to destroy you. The goal here is to shift that spotlight that’s been placed on them to you, and to make you look like the problem. This is why they’ll instantly find another woman (see someone will be with me, not you) and they’ll tell that woman all of the horrible things you’ve done to them. They’ll contact any of your family and friends they believe they can manipulate with tales of your issues. Before a court, they will tell the most vicious lies under oath to take away everything you have, even the kids whom they have no intention of caring for. Until you’re in the situation, you won’t be able to imagine how far they’ll go to paint you as the evil villain; and even when you’re in the situation, you may struggle with what you’re hearing about yourself. I’ve heard painful stories, from many women about the ways in which the narcissist ravaged their lives and the lives of their children all because of their ego.


So, what do you do? In a nutshell, you do the very best you can do to take care of yourself. That task is a tall order because if you’ve spent significant time in a relationship with a narcissist, you don’t know what it means to take care of yourself. Self-care is a skill, that once developed will provide you with the love you didn’t know you could give to yourself. What you need right now is love. Yes, love from others can go a long way, but until you’ve learned to love yourself there’s only so much real love you can tolerate from others.


You thought love was jealousy, attention, and control; these don’t come close to embodying love. Love is being seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who you are. Love is free and fun and peaceful at its core. Love let’s you be you, unapologetically. You deserve to be loved, and it begins with you.


If you want support in getting back to love, it would be my pleasure to join you on your journey. Visit theothersidetherapy.com or email me at info@theothersidetherapy.com


In the meantime, begin taking good care of yourself!



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There’s a lot of talk about protecting one’s peace these days, but what does that even mean? And how do you protect your peace? Let’s dig in. Peace is an emotion. In psychology there are five basic emotions that are widely accepted: anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and happiness. Unfortunately, of the five only one would be considered a positive emotion, though I believe all are positive in that they provide you with information. But I digress. Happiness, the more positive of the five is the one emotion you likely welcome with open arms, and when it comes, you want it to stay. You protect it. Peace lives on the spectrum of happiness, and like all other emotions, it is literally a feeling in the body. It feels like serenity; there’s stillness and a calm that comes over you. I’ve had folks identify peace in their bodies as the absence of the feelings they’re accustomed to: tightness in their chest, sweaty palms, stomach discomfort, etc. For many, peace is rarely felt, so when they feel it, or any other emotion for that matter, they fail to recognize the environment that nurtured it; and if you’re going to protect your peace, you’ve got to notice when you feel it and what contributed to it. Understanding peace as an emotion is necessary because the role of your emotions is to provide you with information about your environment. At times, emotions can be so intense and distressing that the focus shifts from the environment that ignited them, to suppressing or extinguishing them. But emotions aren’t the problem, the environment is. Every emotion is important, even those that you’ve identified as negative. They tell you that something in your circumstances or environment needs your attention, and when you ignore your emotions, you ignore the task at hand. Peace is a gift, and not everybody or every environment offers it. When you notice peace in your body, you also need to notice what nurtured it. Are there people who bring peace? Are there places where you feel more at ease? Identifying these sources gives you what you need to take care of yourself by accessing more of it. On the other hand, where do you experience the opposite of peace? Where, and with whom do you find chaos and confusion? If you’re going to protect your peace, these are environments and people who you need to limit contact with. If you’re going to protect your peace, you’ve gotta increase your self-connection by noticing your emotions, and allowing them to tell you what you need to increase your overall well-being. When you fight your emotions, you fight yourself and your best interests. Extended periods of suppressing emotions can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions because two things are working against you: you are becoming more disconnected from yourself while existing in environment that don’t serve you. There’s no magic pill that creates more peace and happiness, it’s the consistent work of nurturing self-connection and meeting your needs, because you are the most important person in your world. May you grow exponentially in peace! If this resonated with you, you’re not alone. These are the conversations we continue inside Next Chapter: Notes from The Other Side, my monthly newsletter where I share insights, reflections, and guidance for women breaking toxic patterns and learning how to love themselves differently. Join Next Chapter here