Leaning Into Self-Love

Kerrie Hudson • October 8, 2025

You’re pretty amazing! Yes! You.


In spite of everything you’ve been through, you’re still killing it in life; and the one thing that’s stopping you from accessing your fullest potential is you.


You’ve mastered achievement, and if we’re being honest, you’ve limited yourself there as well, but where you can’t seem to win is in love. The reason is simple, you’ve never learned to love yourself. You learned instead, that the failure of the people who were entrusted with the responsibility of loving you was a reflection of you, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.


All this time you’ve believed that there was something inherently unlovable about you. What you never understood, because no one ever told you, is their behavior was never a reflection of you, it was a reflection of them. They didn’t love you because they didn’t know how, and now it’s on you to break the cycle of lovelessness for you and the generations that follow you.


This is your time; your time to experience love because that’s the one thing we’re all longing for. It’s the purpose of families, friendships, and romance; and you’ll never truly experience it until you learn to love yourself.


I know what you’re thinking, “I already love myself”, and to some degree you do, but not for the reasons you’re giving yourself credit for. You’re thinking about all the achievements and the ways in which you take care of yourself, and quite frankly, those are all performative or surface-level at best. Meanwhile, at your core, you are lonely and deprived of real heartfelt love, even in a crowd; and that’s not love.


The easiest way to detect your love for yourself is in how you show up for yourself with others. People pleasing, a lack of boundaries, an inability to say “no”, and giving without reciprocity are all symptoms of a person who lacks self-love. These behaviors indicate you are forsaking yourself while looking for someone else to love you, and they never will. The truth is you can’t tolerate real love from others and you’re stuck in a cycle of inviting people in who reflect the lovelessness of those who reared you. That sword cuts both ways, and it’s time to put it down.


You want love, and it’s time for you to realize that it must come from you. The most important step in loving yourself is choosing to love yourself. No one explicitly told you that you were unlovable, you simply surmised it from their actions. (And let’s be clear, you’ve always been smart – brilliant even. Wise? That’s a newer skill that comes with setting aside a childish mindset.) As a child, you couldn’t properly understand the actions of those around you without intervention, and you’ve been carrying around false beliefs about yourself your entire life. The assumption that you’re unlovable has led you to years and years of pain. All of your choices have stemmed from this belief.


By shifting your mindset to self-love, a mindset that recognizes your worth, you are unlocking the joy and fulfillment you always knew was possible, but thought only existed in the arms of another. When you stop relying on others to love you and you begin to love yourself, you guarantee yourself love, and all of your choices will align. Your love for yourself will attract love, just as your lovelessness has piled on pain.

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There’s a lot of talk about protecting one’s peace these days, but what does that even mean? And how do you protect your peace? Let’s dig in. Peace is an emotion. In psychology there are five basic emotions that are widely accepted: anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and happiness. Unfortunately, of the five only one would be considered a positive emotion, though I believe all are positive in that they provide you with information. But I digress. Happiness, the more positive of the five is the one emotion you likely welcome with open arms, and when it comes, you want it to stay. You protect it. Peace lives on the spectrum of happiness, and like all other emotions, it is literally a feeling in the body. It feels like serenity; there’s stillness and a calm that comes over you. I’ve had folks identify peace in their bodies as the absence of the feelings they’re accustomed to: tightness in their chest, sweaty palms, stomach discomfort, etc. For many, peace is rarely felt, so when they feel it, or any other emotion for that matter, they fail to recognize the environment that nurtured it; and if you’re going to protect your peace, you’ve got to notice when you feel it and what contributed to it. Understanding peace as an emotion is necessary because the role of your emotions is to provide you with information about your environment. At times, emotions can be so intense and distressing that the focus shifts from the environment that ignited them, to suppressing or extinguishing them. But emotions aren’t the problem, the environment is. Every emotion is important, even those that you’ve identified as negative. They tell you that something in your circumstances or environment needs your attention, and when you ignore your emotions, you ignore the task at hand. Peace is a gift, and not everybody or every environment offers it. When you notice peace in your body, you also need to notice what nurtured it. Are there people who bring peace? Are there places where you feel more at ease? Identifying these sources gives you what you need to take care of yourself by accessing more of it. On the other hand, where do you experience the opposite of peace? Where, and with whom do you find chaos and confusion? If you’re going to protect your peace, these are environments and people who you need to limit contact with. If you’re going to protect your peace, you’ve gotta increase your self-connection by noticing your emotions, and allowing them to tell you what you need to increase your overall well-being. When you fight your emotions, you fight yourself and your best interests. Extended periods of suppressing emotions can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions because two things are working against you: you are becoming more disconnected from yourself while existing in environment that don’t serve you. There’s no magic pill that creates more peace and happiness, it’s the consistent work of nurturing self-connection and meeting your needs, because you are the most important person in your world. May you grow exponentially in peace! If this resonated with you, you’re not alone. These are the conversations we continue inside Next Chapter: Notes from The Other Side, my monthly newsletter where I share insights, reflections, and guidance for women breaking toxic patterns and learning how to love themselves differently. Join Next Chapter here