Becoming Discipline

Kerrie Jones • December 12, 2024

We all have had the experience of wanting to achieve something that we couldn’t quite attain. In fact, many of us are likely pursuing something at this very moment that seems to constantly elude us, and for some of us we don’t understand why we can’t get there. There are a number of possibilities to address the “why?”, however the most obvious answer is, we lack discipline. What’s even more frustrating is when our challenges with discipline are confined to only a few areas in our lives. For example, you may wonder, “how is it that I’m able to do well with achieving my career goals, but I struggle with saving?”. When these questions arise, most of us can easily identify a lack of discipline as the issue; but what exactly is discipline, and how do we get more of it?


Discipline is widely understood to be the quality of maintaining control to achieve a desired outcome, which is at times is easier said than done for most all of us. What’s little understood about discipline is the role of emotions, and the importance of being intimately acquainted with them to get what we really want out of life. Today, most people know very little about emotions; in fact, many of us run from them or dismiss them as something that’s only for women. The truth is that we’re all emotional, and if we fail to understand that, we’re limiting the degree to which we can live fulfilling and enjoyable lives.


We all experience emotions. We get sad, mad, happy, excited, and afraid, even if we don’t express ourselves outwardly. When we fail to recognize our emotions and the behaviors that typically accompany them, we can be driven in all sorts of directions without any regard for wisdom or logic. For example, when someone is happy, they can spend money buying drinks for everyone without having the means to do so, and when they return to their logical state, they may experience regret because they just spent their rent. It’s interesting how within one body two opposing intentions can exist, and one will always win. This is the power of our emotions, and left unattended or ignored, they can destroy everything that we work hard for.


So, what can you do? Know your emotions, attend to your emotions, wait out your emotions, and use emotions to inform wise decisions. The word emotion is synonymous with ‘feeling’. This is because we literally feel our emotions in our body. Often, we talk about “feeling” things, and most of the time we’re talking about beliefs that we think, not what we feel. Some of our feelings are unique, but by and large we feel similarly. For example, when we’re afraid, most of us feel our heart pounding or our stomach dropping, or both. When we’re sad, we feel the tears welling up for a cry. These are feelings. Many of us have developed a habit of suppressing our feelings, thereby suppressing our emotions, and when we do this, both grow to become uncontrollable and our actions follow suit. Suppressed emotions stay in the body and typically result in emotional and physical distress that results in mental health issues and medical disease. When we allow ourselves to feel, it relieves the pressure and makes room for the next emotional experience.


When we attend to emotions, we give attention to ourselves; it can look like showing curiosity about the source of the emotion; so in fear, we may ask ourselves, “what am I actually afraid of?”. This line of inquiry can often resolve the emotion if we come to realize we have nothing to fear. On the other hand, it can provide us with information about the environment around us, and when we take the next step of waiting out our emotions, we can then make wise decisions without regret. Feelings pass. When we give space to our emotions they may wash over us like a wave, and then they’re gone. There are times when we may need to act while in our emotions, like when there’s eminent danger, and in these cases, managing our emotions can be the difference between a stampede that hurts people or moving quickly and orderly, keeping everyone as safe as possible. The key to waiting out emotions is not to speak or act while the emotional experience is present. This keeps us from engaging in behaviors like impulse buying, going off on others, or even excessive drinking, smoking, or drug use. Once the emotion has passed and we return to logic we can use emotions to make informed decisions in the moment for our future.


In essence, discipline is about bridging the gap between logic and emotion. Without emotion, we are likely to make decisions that seem good for us, but possibly bring no enjoyment. In the heat of emotion, decisions only feel good, and usually only in the moment the emotion is present. Wisdom can be found in our emotions, we were given them for a reason, use yours for your benefit.

Are You Projecting?

By Kerrie Jones • May 26, 2025
I’ve heard it said, “you don’t see people as they are, you see people as you are”, and there’s so much truth to that. If you’ve ever had someone accuse you of something, seemingly out of the blue, with no knowledge of where the accusation came from, you know the impact of not being seen as you are. You hadn’t even considered doing what they said you’ve done, and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. They’ve determined you’re guilty simply because they said so. This is a classic example of projection, and most of us do it. Projection is the imposition of one’s own perspective – thoughts, feelings, & behaviors – onto others, and it’s most easily identified when the perspective tows the line of the unacceptable, like tendencies toward cheating, stealing, etc. Projection, however, can be equally as damaging, possibly even more damaging, when we, without evidence, assume others share our positive perspectives. Many people everyday find themselves in abusive or dangerous situations with others because they assume that others are inherently good, simply because they themselves endeavor to be good to others. Women overlook bad behavior in men, parents excuse a lack of discipline in their children, and strangers let down their guard, all because of a commitment to seeing the best in people. The reality is, people lie, cheat, steal, and kill every day, and though it is my hope that none of those circumstances happen to you, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. In fact, I was recently touched by the story of Lyntell Washington, a pregnant Baton Rouge woman who was murdered in front of her 3-year-old daughter by her then boyfriend. She believed he was better than all the men she dated before him, and she was mistaken, he was much worse. She confronted him about lying, and threatened to disclose their affair to his wife, and he killed her. If that weren’t bad enough, he attempted to use another girlfriend to get away with it. I imagine Lyntell had questions prior to discovering his lies, and I imagine she used projection to excuse those questions so she would not be seen as difficult or combative, and because she likely believed the best, in the face of the worst, she lost her life. Questions are protection; and in order to ask effective questions, you must maintain an awareness of the truth. Ducks quack, liars lie, and thieves steal; and when you excuse and overlook that behavior, you set yourself up to be harmed. Often it seems easier to just trust people, to not maintain boundaries, or to be nice; the truth is the people who approach interpersonal interactions this way are more likely to be harmed. Most people will not be like Lyntell Washington; however, the damage of emotional abuse alone can take years to recover from. Please understand, you can’t afford to see the best in people, you must see the truth, even when the truth makes absolutely no sense to you; and at times, it won’t. I regularly listen to women share stories of the harm being done to them by men they once loved, and it pains me because I know that at some point, they projected positive thoughts and feelings onto these men to settle for less than they ever deserved. It pains me much more to hear about the harm being done by their family and friends, during the aftermath of the breakup, who can’t understand how low these men will go to destroy their former mates, and that there are systems that support them. The truth is, it is useful for children in challenging environments to escape reality in this way, it is harmful when we continue to do it into adulthood, to ourselves and potentially to others. It's time to call a spade a spade. We uphold problematic systems, positions, and relationships when we fail to simply accept the truth that the humanity can be anything from graceful and kind to devious and diabolical, even when the person before us once played the role of graceful and kind. There’s nothing more that’s required from us but that we simply pay attention and open ourselves to the facts of what people do, and ultimately who they are, and the only thing required to do so is time.

Open Your Eyes

By Kerrie Jones • May 19, 2025
Trauma creates negative cycles, and those cycles result in negative consequences, that then lead to negative feelings like sadness, despair, and frustration. When you get there it’s difficult to see anything positive about yourself or your life. You can’t seem to get it together, and you begin to speak in absolutes like, “I can never do anything right”, “I’ll never find someone to love me”, etc. A shallow hole grows deep and your find yourself stuck. The same perspective, however, is not typically true when you look at others – you only see sunshine and rainbows over their lives while your life is covered by dark clouds and rain.  The truth is we all experience sunshine and rain, and when we choose to only focus on one of these experiences, we can find ourselves in a state of overwhelm. If we choose to only focus on the good times, we are overtaken and distraught when not so good times present themselves. When we only focus on the bad times, we can exacerbate and even attract more negativity as our energy is consumed by the negative. Most times, there is both positive and negative happening in our lives at the same time, though we can’t always see it. Both are the fruit of our thoughts, words, and actions. When you sew an apple seed and you reap and apple trees with apples you’ve done exactly what you intended to do. When you sew oranges and you end up with avocados, and you hate avocados, you’ve done something wrong and it’s easy to get caught up focusing on the avocados instead of going back to the seed. If you’re not getting what you want out of life, open your eyes to the lesson. Often, the lesson isn’t apparent, otherwise, we wouldn’t find ourselves repeating negative cycles. When we can’t break out of patterns it’s a sign there’s something we can’t see. In this case, we need to seek out the help of others – a trusted and wise family or friend is capable of bringing your attention to what you cannot see on your own. A good therapist will also be able to shed light on the dark or hidden spots in your life. In my experience, when you’re seeking, you’ll find it; and when you know better, you will most likely do better. Also, in the midst of your difficulty, it is helpful to notice what’s not so difficult; to see the areas in life in which you’re winning. You’re not a total loser, no one is; in fact, you’re not a loser at all, like the rest of us, you’re subject to lessons. No one’s life is overall easier than yours. Everyone has had to face lessons and overcome obstacles. When you believe you’ve missed a handout you subscribe to the idea that you must be rescued, and the truth is, there’s no one to rescue any of us. We were all born with the drive and will to take care of ourselves, and we all have had to face impediments to doing so. Somewhere along the way the shortcomings of those who were supposed to provide you with temporary care led you to believe there was something inherently wrong with you and that you need a lifelong caretaker. This is a lie. You were born with everything you need, maybe you buried or pushed some of it away because you thought it wasn’t useful for others, but those parts of you are more useful to you now than ever before. Lean into your uniqueness. Embrace your gifts. Acknowledge your flaws. All of it is a part of you, and all of it will carry you to the next level. Nothing in life exists without positive and negative, all matter exists because of both. When you realize and accept that both exist in your life, you may discover a greater appreciation for the life you live; and that the fruit you get to enjoy is a result of the intentional seeds you’ve planted…open your eyes.

What is Trauma?

By Kerrie Jones • March 31, 2025
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a therapist and my proximity to mental health, but there seems to be more discussions about trauma these days, and I’d like to set the record straight. Well, as straight as possible, because when it comes to people, there are no absolutes; so I guess instead of straightening the record, I’d like to help you gain a bit of clarity about trauma because what we believe to be true greatly impacts our approach to life, and how you approach your life affects the outcomes of your life. Trauma is not the terrible experiences you’ve had; it is the outcome of having had terrible experiences. Specifically, your trauma is the ways in which you disconnect from yourself as a result of having endured something terrible. So, you can experience something traumatic (or terrible) and it may or may not result in trauma (a separation from yourself); the outcome depends largely on one factor wisdom. Childhood is when most trauma occurs, and most children unknowingly rely on adults for wisdom. So, when children endure traumatic experiences alone and they don’t have someone wise to process those experiences with they typically blame and turn on themselves, resulting in trauma. For example, a child who is touched sexually without the intervention of wisdom with feel shame and blame themselves for the actions of an inappropriate adult. A child whose parents are going through divorce, without wisdom may believe they are the reason for their parent’s split. These feelings and subsequent beliefs cause the child to distance the parts of themselves they believe to be responsible for their own distress, and they will take steps to attempt to fix or resolve the issue with those who are truly responsible, which is impossible, but the child will continue to try. With time, these feelings and beliefs manifest in all sorts of problematic behaviors – people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, overexplaining, self-abandonment, etc. – that point back to the powerless little boy or girl who began the process of disconnecting from themselves. That’s trauma; the adaptation of a child who was never really the problem, but thought they were, so they continue into adulthood trying to push away who they really are because of beliefs that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trauma is about beliefs. Healing trauma requires a healing of beliefs, and a welcoming in and embrace of the true self. What do you believe about yourself? What might you need to heal?