Who Are You?

Kerrie Jones • November 12, 2024

When faced with the question of “Who are you?”, many people really don’t know the answer. It’s a sad reality that we know so little about the person whom we walk around with all day every day, yet if I were to ask you about the other people in your world, you’d be able to answer the question with great accuracy.

I know, you probably don’t think you fall into this category because as you’ve begun thinking about who you are, you’ve come up with quite a few adjectives to describe yourself. I’d like to challenge you, however, to remove all descriptors that associate you with someone else, like mother, sister, friend, and even giver. The question is more about who you are at your core, independent of others. If there was no one else around, who would you be? What would exist in your world? What would motivate you? What would please you?


Many of us are so “other” focused that we haven’t taken the time to get to know ourselves, the most important person in our world; and if we don’t know ourselves, what exactly are we doing with the brief life we’re given? How can we be confident that we’re making the most of everyday? We can’t.


If you’re struggling to describe yourself, you don’t truly know yourself; and if you don’t know yourself, you can’t live for yourself. If this is you, I invite you to turn off autopilot and to take the time survey your life with clear focus of yourself in it, so you can live! You may be wondering how to do that, and there are many ways to go about it; I’ll give you a few to get you going.


1.    Notice yourself. Take time every day, if possible, during your optimal time of day (i.e., mornings for a morning person) to simply breathe deeply and notice your breath. If you’ve never done this, it can bring up emotions for you. If you can tolerate it, allow the emotions to come as you continue to notice your breath. If this is unbearable, be compassionate with yourself and don’t push. Grab a drink of water and bring your attention to the space outside of yourself to get back to safety.

2.    Journal. Journaling is a great way to discover your thoughts and feelings. Again, your optimal time of day is the best time to journal, and you can journal about anything. The best way to approach journaling is to write like no one else will read it. After finishing, read back what you’ve written. If necessary, destroy and discard your journal entries to protect your heart from others.

3.    Discover your core values. Core values are deeply connected to our beliefs, and when we operate from them our actions are more intentional and aligned with who we are or who we want to be. We all have core values, even if we don’t recognize it. When we acknowledge our core values, we use them as our guiding light as we move through the world. When we fail to act with our core values in mind, often we experience shame, regret, and resentment. If you need help with discovering your core values, simply search “core values” on the internet and you’ll find sites that provide lists of examples. Once you discover your core values, I invite you to analyze them to determine if they truly resonate with you, or if they’re what you “should” choose based on your environment or upbringing. If it’s the latter, scrap them and try again.

4.    Look in the mirror. Spend time looking at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? What do you like? Why? What don’t you like? Why? What would it be like to accept and embrace it all without attempting to change it? (Side note: these are great prompts for journaling.) When looking in the mirror, it’s important to note that what we see on ourselves is often reflective of what we see in ourselves. Many people want to change the outside, when really, it’s the inside we want to change. We all have the power to change, and acceptance is the first step. Remember, nothing in this world exists without positives and negatives, not even atoms. Our negative attributes provide balance; sometimes accepting them is all that’s needed.

5.    Therapy. Therapy is a great place to learn about yourself; after all, it is all about you. In therapy you talk quite a bit, and then listen with the goal of gaining more insight into the way you exist in the world. Without help, many of us will sleepwalk through life and face many regrets. We are thinking, speaking, and behaving, and we don’t always know the why that’s at the root of it all. It is not a place to be told what to do, but rather to learn who you are so you can achieve your goals. Keep in mind, not all therapists are created equal. One attribute of a great therapist is their ability to take your words and to use them as a mirror for you to see your emotional and psychological self more clearly. If you find a therapist who can do this, you’re likely on your way to better knowing yourself. If you believe you can’t afford therapy, many states have agencies that offer low-cost options. In California, there’s Southern California Counseling Center, they offer low-cost therapy with pre-licensed counselors.

Are You Projecting?

By Kerrie Jones • May 26, 2025
I’ve heard it said, “you don’t see people as they are, you see people as you are”, and there’s so much truth to that. If you’ve ever had someone accuse you of something, seemingly out of the blue, with no knowledge of where the accusation came from, you know the impact of not being seen as you are. You hadn’t even considered doing what they said you’ve done, and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. They’ve determined you’re guilty simply because they said so. This is a classic example of projection, and most of us do it. Projection is the imposition of one’s own perspective – thoughts, feelings, & behaviors – onto others, and it’s most easily identified when the perspective tows the line of the unacceptable, like tendencies toward cheating, stealing, etc. Projection, however, can be equally as damaging, possibly even more damaging, when we, without evidence, assume others share our positive perspectives. Many people everyday find themselves in abusive or dangerous situations with others because they assume that others are inherently good, simply because they themselves endeavor to be good to others. Women overlook bad behavior in men, parents excuse a lack of discipline in their children, and strangers let down their guard, all because of a commitment to seeing the best in people. The reality is, people lie, cheat, steal, and kill every day, and though it is my hope that none of those circumstances happen to you, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. In fact, I was recently touched by the story of Lyntell Washington, a pregnant Baton Rouge woman who was murdered in front of her 3-year-old daughter by her then boyfriend. She believed he was better than all the men she dated before him, and she was mistaken, he was much worse. She confronted him about lying, and threatened to disclose their affair to his wife, and he killed her. If that weren’t bad enough, he attempted to use another girlfriend to get away with it. I imagine Lyntell had questions prior to discovering his lies, and I imagine she used projection to excuse those questions so she would not be seen as difficult or combative, and because she likely believed the best, in the face of the worst, she lost her life. Questions are protection; and in order to ask effective questions, you must maintain an awareness of the truth. Ducks quack, liars lie, and thieves steal; and when you excuse and overlook that behavior, you set yourself up to be harmed. Often it seems easier to just trust people, to not maintain boundaries, or to be nice; the truth is the people who approach interpersonal interactions this way are more likely to be harmed. Most people will not be like Lyntell Washington; however, the damage of emotional abuse alone can take years to recover from. Please understand, you can’t afford to see the best in people, you must see the truth, even when the truth makes absolutely no sense to you; and at times, it won’t. I regularly listen to women share stories of the harm being done to them by men they once loved, and it pains me because I know that at some point, they projected positive thoughts and feelings onto these men to settle for less than they ever deserved. It pains me much more to hear about the harm being done by their family and friends, during the aftermath of the breakup, who can’t understand how low these men will go to destroy their former mates, and that there are systems that support them. The truth is, it is useful for children in challenging environments to escape reality in this way, it is harmful when we continue to do it into adulthood, to ourselves and potentially to others. It's time to call a spade a spade. We uphold problematic systems, positions, and relationships when we fail to simply accept the truth that the humanity can be anything from graceful and kind to devious and diabolical, even when the person before us once played the role of graceful and kind. There’s nothing more that’s required from us but that we simply pay attention and open ourselves to the facts of what people do, and ultimately who they are, and the only thing required to do so is time.

Open Your Eyes

By Kerrie Jones • May 19, 2025
Trauma creates negative cycles, and those cycles result in negative consequences, that then lead to negative feelings like sadness, despair, and frustration. When you get there it’s difficult to see anything positive about yourself or your life. You can’t seem to get it together, and you begin to speak in absolutes like, “I can never do anything right”, “I’ll never find someone to love me”, etc. A shallow hole grows deep and your find yourself stuck. The same perspective, however, is not typically true when you look at others – you only see sunshine and rainbows over their lives while your life is covered by dark clouds and rain.  The truth is we all experience sunshine and rain, and when we choose to only focus on one of these experiences, we can find ourselves in a state of overwhelm. If we choose to only focus on the good times, we are overtaken and distraught when not so good times present themselves. When we only focus on the bad times, we can exacerbate and even attract more negativity as our energy is consumed by the negative. Most times, there is both positive and negative happening in our lives at the same time, though we can’t always see it. Both are the fruit of our thoughts, words, and actions. When you sew an apple seed and you reap and apple trees with apples you’ve done exactly what you intended to do. When you sew oranges and you end up with avocados, and you hate avocados, you’ve done something wrong and it’s easy to get caught up focusing on the avocados instead of going back to the seed. If you’re not getting what you want out of life, open your eyes to the lesson. Often, the lesson isn’t apparent, otherwise, we wouldn’t find ourselves repeating negative cycles. When we can’t break out of patterns it’s a sign there’s something we can’t see. In this case, we need to seek out the help of others – a trusted and wise family or friend is capable of bringing your attention to what you cannot see on your own. A good therapist will also be able to shed light on the dark or hidden spots in your life. In my experience, when you’re seeking, you’ll find it; and when you know better, you will most likely do better. Also, in the midst of your difficulty, it is helpful to notice what’s not so difficult; to see the areas in life in which you’re winning. You’re not a total loser, no one is; in fact, you’re not a loser at all, like the rest of us, you’re subject to lessons. No one’s life is overall easier than yours. Everyone has had to face lessons and overcome obstacles. When you believe you’ve missed a handout you subscribe to the idea that you must be rescued, and the truth is, there’s no one to rescue any of us. We were all born with the drive and will to take care of ourselves, and we all have had to face impediments to doing so. Somewhere along the way the shortcomings of those who were supposed to provide you with temporary care led you to believe there was something inherently wrong with you and that you need a lifelong caretaker. This is a lie. You were born with everything you need, maybe you buried or pushed some of it away because you thought it wasn’t useful for others, but those parts of you are more useful to you now than ever before. Lean into your uniqueness. Embrace your gifts. Acknowledge your flaws. All of it is a part of you, and all of it will carry you to the next level. Nothing in life exists without positive and negative, all matter exists because of both. When you realize and accept that both exist in your life, you may discover a greater appreciation for the life you live; and that the fruit you get to enjoy is a result of the intentional seeds you’ve planted…open your eyes.

What is Trauma?

By Kerrie Jones • March 31, 2025
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a therapist and my proximity to mental health, but there seems to be more discussions about trauma these days, and I’d like to set the record straight. Well, as straight as possible, because when it comes to people, there are no absolutes; so I guess instead of straightening the record, I’d like to help you gain a bit of clarity about trauma because what we believe to be true greatly impacts our approach to life, and how you approach your life affects the outcomes of your life. Trauma is not the terrible experiences you’ve had; it is the outcome of having had terrible experiences. Specifically, your trauma is the ways in which you disconnect from yourself as a result of having endured something terrible. So, you can experience something traumatic (or terrible) and it may or may not result in trauma (a separation from yourself); the outcome depends largely on one factor wisdom. Childhood is when most trauma occurs, and most children unknowingly rely on adults for wisdom. So, when children endure traumatic experiences alone and they don’t have someone wise to process those experiences with they typically blame and turn on themselves, resulting in trauma. For example, a child who is touched sexually without the intervention of wisdom with feel shame and blame themselves for the actions of an inappropriate adult. A child whose parents are going through divorce, without wisdom may believe they are the reason for their parent’s split. These feelings and subsequent beliefs cause the child to distance the parts of themselves they believe to be responsible for their own distress, and they will take steps to attempt to fix or resolve the issue with those who are truly responsible, which is impossible, but the child will continue to try. With time, these feelings and beliefs manifest in all sorts of problematic behaviors – people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, overexplaining, self-abandonment, etc. – that point back to the powerless little boy or girl who began the process of disconnecting from themselves. That’s trauma; the adaptation of a child who was never really the problem, but thought they were, so they continue into adulthood trying to push away who they really are because of beliefs that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trauma is about beliefs. Healing trauma requires a healing of beliefs, and a welcoming in and embrace of the true self. What do you believe about yourself? What might you need to heal?