Becoming Un-Desperate for Love

Kerrie Jones • August 1, 2024

Many of us are desperate for love and don’t recognize it. One telltale sign is when you find yourself stuck in the same relationship cycles and patterns that don’t serve you. These cycles leave you feeling hurt, confused, lonely, and sometimes ashamed because you’ve given so much and failed yet again. In your mind, ‘this time will be different’, yet somehow, you’re here again, and again, and again. Be encouraged! There is a way out.

 

Desperation is driven by unmet needs that no matter how hard we try we can never satisfy. We can’t satisfy them because they aren’t actual needs, they’re needs we’ve convinced ourselves we have, born out of painful childhood experiences; let’s call them phantom needs. Left unchecked, phantom needs lead to a lot of pain as we chase after the unattainable. The truth is we all have the need to be loved, first by our parents/caregivers, then by ourselves; and if we weren’t loved properly as children this need quickly becomes desperation if we don’t happen to stumble upon someone who’s willing love us properly. The challenge many of us face is while some of us may gravitate to the person who shows up willing to love us as we need, many of us will reject that person and gravitate toward the people who love us in similar ways to the people who failed to love us properly as children. This is the cycle, overlooking healthy love for toxic love that feels familiar, out of a need to resolve our childhood dilemma.

 

Childhood is the space we are given to learn everything we need to take care of ourselves for the remainder of our lives, including how to love and be loved. If you were loved properly as a child, you then love yourself properly and have a generally healthy approach to loving others. If not, the opposite is true. Children learn by example, our initial lesson is to receive love, and as we learn, our priority shifts to loving ourselves. If you were not loved properly as a child, you will miss the cue to begin loving yourself as you have not been given the tools to do so. Instead, you will move into adulthood continuing to seek after the love you missed in childhood from romantic partners instead of recognizing your responsibility to give it to yourself first. Somewhere in our adolescent years (I imagine) is when the shift takes place and the cycle is put in motion, hence the boy crazy/girl crazy teen.

 

It's also important to note that our perception of love is informed by our childhood experiences. Because we are born with the automatic expectation to receive love, we understand love to be whatever it is we received or witnessed. Thus, no matter what we experienced, we interpret the treatment we received from our caregivers as loving, even if it was completely devoid of love. Generally speaking, if we were neglected as children, we will tolerate and accept neglect in our adult relationships and see it as ‘the way we love each other’. This is how toxic love is born.

 

Healing this type of trauma isn’t a linear process, meaning, there’s no true first, second, and third step to take. There are, however, steps you can take, in whichever order feels right for you, toward healing so that you no longer chase after love outside of yourself. The goal is for you to rely first on self-love and then look to others for love, as God intended. I’m going to provide you with a numbered process, but again, this isn’t linear; you’ll circle back and skip around according to your own needs. I will say, this process is best undertaken with the help of a trained mental health professional or a trusted friend or family member, so they can reflect what they see to help you make more informed decisions. If you have neither, there are things you can do right now in your own company with as little as a journal and a pen to begin moving the needle in the direction of healthy love; the key is to be honest and reflective with yourself about what you think and feel.

 

  1. Become clear about what happened to you. Who hurt you? When? How? What hurt the most about it? What message(s) did that hurt send to you about yourself? How did this hurt change you? Where possible, address your concerns with the people who failed you.
  2. Learn yourself. We are full of strengths and great characteristics, as well as flaws. Who are you? What do you enjoy? What are your strengths? What are your flaws? What are your values? It’s difficult to love what you don’t know.
  3. Know your worth. When we are improperly loved in childhood it can cause us to believe that we are not worthy of proper love because something is wrong with us. The truth is there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you, you are lovable just because you are.
  4. Learn to love yourself. Love is accepting someone exactly as they are, with all of their flaws and being willing to stick it out for life. The easiest way to learn to do this for yourself in adulthood is to surround yourself with people who show you this type of love; people who are willing to hold up the mirror to show you how great you are and how flawed you are, and are willing to love you anyway.
  5. Embrace aloneness. If you can tolerate, and even appreciate spending time alone, it’ll become difficult to settle for time with just anyone. Quality time will need to be quality.
  6. Become clear about what you want out of a relationship. Do you want to be needed or wanted in relationships? As healthy bonding occurs, the need for one another will increase as you grow to depend on one another; however, at the outset of a relationship being needed can create a dependency that can foster resentment down the line
  7. Address the symptoms of the trauma. One of the most common symptoms of childhood relational trauma is fantasizing. Many of us meet someone, and within weeks, or even days the fantasies begin. You begin to envision a future with this person without the evidence that they are a suitable mate. To address this, bring yourself back to the present, what behaviors do they display? What do these behaviors say about who they are? Don’t assume anything is true about them; if you don’t know, ask. Be clear and honest with yourself about the red flags that are present? If you’re making excuses for them, your fantasies have become stronger than your reality.

 

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a good start. The goal here is to work through, process, or even resolve your childhood trauma around improper love so you can clear out the clutter and become more intentional about the love you give yourself and the love you expect to receive from others. By doing this, you become more capable of showing up for yourself and others from a place of worthiness and confidence, rather than from desperation. The truth is, from the moment of your conception you were lovable and worthy of being loved properly. You have the power to shift your mindset so you can achieve the loving relationships you were born to have.

 

If you’re in need of support, I invite you to join the waitlist for a community I’m developing to support singles in their quest for healthy love. Visit https://theothersidetherapy.com/news and enter your email address to join the waitlist under the paragraph entitled ‘Hey’. Additionally, if you’re interested in therapy, I have a few slots available for individuals and couples. Visit the website and book a free 15-minute consultation to determine if we’re a good fit for therapy.

 

Kerrie Jones,

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#143151)

Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (#15245)

Supervised by Dr. Glenna Anderson, LCSW (272046)

How to Know If He's Good For You

By Kerrie Hudson • October 20, 2026
Spoiler alert. Let’s get straight to the answer. The way to know if he’s good for you is to take the time to get to know him. I know, I know. Duh, Kerrie. It seems like a simple answer, and I’m certain that getting to know him is exactly what you think you’ve been doing. And yet, if you had actually taken the time to get to know him, how do you keep arriving at the conclusion over and over again that you didn’t know any of them at all? How are you surprised at how it all ended? This answer is also pretty simple: you’ve known who you wanted them to be; you didn’t really know them. Like many women, you’ve likely found yourself certain about a love prospect only to find that you were certainly wrong when it all blew up months, years, maybe even decades later. After a few failures, you’ve either sworn off relationships altogether, or you go into each of them with trepidation, wondering, “How can I be sure this time?” And the answer is, you can’t. Not without significant time spent getting to know this person, and more importantly, getting to know yourself and the mindset that you bring to choosing. Until now, you’ve chosen based on vibes and intensity instead of values and character. You’ve chased the high that swells from a flirtatious exchange or that craveable attention or that look of desire he always gave you. I get it. It felt good. And in the words of my granny, it wasn’t worth a nickel. You placed all of your value on the feels, and you ignored the thing that sticks around long after the spark fades: character. You see, it’s who he is when he’s not giving you excessive attention or spoiling you with things or touching you in a way that drives your body crazy that creates the experience you’ll live with from day to day. And because he was so good at giving you the feels, you excused his behavior and projected onto him the person you wanted, and likely needed him to be in order to make this work. And when the vibes settle and the excuses fade, you’re left with the thing you ignored all along: the truth of who he’s always been. He didn’t trick you. I’m sure he lied and deceived, and that’s on him. And as hard as it may be to receive, you tricked yourself by setting aside your discernment because you wanted what he fed you to be true. And we’re not doing that anymore. If you want to choose well, you’ve got to view well. Set down the rose-colored glasses and put on the clear spectacles that bring things into 20/20 vision. You don’t need to magnify what you see, and you certainly don’t need to diminish it. You just need to see things as they are. Doing that takes time. So, if you’re going to choose well, you need patience. Slow down. I know that love feels urgent. Society places all sorts of pressure on women to get married and start families. But trust me, doing any of that with the wrong man is far worse than you can ever imagine. Churches, families, friends, heck, even strangers add pressure, and you don’t have to succumb to it just because you’re trying to do things the “right way.” At times, your choices can feel very natural, and he can feel right. If he is right, what’s the rush? Really? And maybe you’re asking, “What am I waiting for?” It’s this. The purpose of patience is to give yourself the time to gather information. Who is his family? What are their values (because he isn’t likely to stray too far away from them)? Who are his friends? How does he handle responsibility? Conflict? Disappointment? And most importantly, how do you feel engaging with him in all of these scenarios and more? If you’re going to live a life with him, what are the samples of life revealing to you about his character? Be honest with yourself. There’s no point in engaging in any of these exercises if the goal is to have HIM at all costs. If the goal, however, is to choose a good man, it’s not enough to just see him as he is, it’s being honest with yourself about what you see. Often honesty is replaced with excuses. And to your credit, he’s made it easy for you to lean into them. Before you saw his issues, you heard his explanation for them, which made it easy to excuse poor decision-making and bad behavior. You’ve got a reason for things like interpersonal conflict, estrangement from children, and his life struggles, and he isn’t at the center of any of it. The challenges in his life are all their fault. He sold you the sob story, and you ate it up. Not only are you there in support of him, but you’re on the front lines fighting his battles and working to clean up his messes that he continues to make every time you turn away. Not only have you chosen wrong, you’re now invested, which often leads to significant loss. And again, we’re not doing that anymore. What we are doing is taking the time to get to know ourselves and the reasons for our choices. There is a reason you’ve been choosing the same man over and over again, and this is a cycle that is within your power to break. Because there is a man who’s good for you, and no one will know him other than you. The key is knowing what’s good for you. What do you want? What do you need? And who’s most suitable to give those things to you? In large part, you couldn’t know what was good for you if it knocked on your front door because you didn’t know yourself. You haven’t even known what it means to truly care for yourself beyond meeting your physical needs. This is why it’s been easy to settle for behavior that’s painful. And I want better for you. As I mentioned before, there’s no way to know for certain that he’s right for you without significant evidence. And even with evidence, the key is to become certain about your ability to do what’s best for you, and that requires putting in the work to heal and overcome some things. Because the power and ability to choose what’s best for you have been in you all along. They’ve just been pushed aside by the thing you keep running back to: pain. And we’re healing that.
Woman walking away

Why Do I Stay When I Know I Should Leave?

By Kerrie Hudson • September 15, 2026
You know the relationship is toxic. You know you should leave. So why do you stay? Learn how familiar relationship patterns can keep pulling you back.

Why Do I Defend Someone Who Hurts Me? Understanding Trauma Bonds

By Kerrie Hudson • August 11, 2026
I was reflecting on the relationship I have with my older sister. Well, we don’t have much of a relationship today. Growing up, she was my very first trauma bond. Verbally, she expressed so much love and care, and at the same time, I experienced so much hate at her hands. I loved her. I was loyal to her. I was confused. That’s essentially at the core of a trauma bond. Confusion. And if the trauma bond itself isn’t confusing enough, they can be found everywhere: in churches, families, and especially in love, making them so difficult to detect. When you’ve grown up in a family where you were trauma bonded, then possibly a church or another institution where trauma bonding runs rampant, the dynamic becomes commonplace. In fact, it feels like home, a smelly one. One where visitors detect it, but the people who live there are oblivious. Just like someone who’s invited you into an offensive home, the realization that you’ve been trauma bonding can produce shame. In both situations it’s easy to overlook. Many people do. There’s nothing to do about the past, and taking responsibility for the future is key. But first, the issue at hand. At worst, a smelly home is offensive. But trauma bonds? They hurt. And that pain can go unnoticed for a while. Often, the pain of a trauma bond is first perceived by recognizing its impact on another. In churches, it looks like a pastor or authority figure hurting others while the congregation defends them. Eventually, the protection emboldens more abuse, and the hurt spreads. Some walk away, others continue to endure it because they hold onto the good and reject the bad even though it hurts. That’s the bond at work. In a family, a child defends the parent who hurts the other parent. They don’t understand the dynamic because the abusive parent is kind to them. Eventually as they grow, they are directly targeted and abused. In spite of the pain they feel, they hold on, because it “isn’t that bad”. The child knows two people, one who’s kind, and one who’s abusive. They want to believe the former is the “real them”, while they work to appease the latter, and it grows more intense. Early experiences like these create the mindset that causes you to hope for the best while experiencing the worst instead of walking away. It’s the setup for leaning into love that hurts, until it hurts so much that you eventually have no choice but to walk away. It’s a part of the relational blueprint you developed early that dictates love is supposed to hurt, at least a little; and when you tolerate a little hurt, you will tolerate a lot of it. When the warning signs of a trauma bond are visible to others, the people closest to you can see it; even those who can’t see it in their own relationships. They may not know what it’s called, but they can detect its impact, either now or in the future. If they intervene (and it’s best that they do), their expressions of concern can land as a threat to one of our most basic needs, love. It can also reinforce shame due to the exposure of the truth that you’ve been explaining away or hiding from yourself to make love work. Ultimately, it can lead to isolation and even more pain. For many people, instead of taking the intervention into consideration, they reject it, and often reject the people who love them most. The presence of pain, now or in the future, isn’t a big enough threat because it aligns with what you’ve come to believe love is. So, of course you’ll chase the trauma bond, because this is what “love” has always looked like. Love, or the potential for love, can be blinding to the reality of pain, especially if you’re starting with an unhealthy blueprint. The key is to take an honest look at the blueprint to determine how you got here, and to re-work it so it leads you to real love, not love as you’ve known it, but the love you desperately desire. I know that part of you may be pushing back, because you’ve already tried doing things differently, and it didn’t work. Journaling, listening to podcasts, and even taking the steps to fix your approach or your appearance. None of these are wrong; they are incomplete. You can’t attract something new from an old mindset. What you haven’t yet tried is doing the actual work of healing: exploring the dynamics that led you here, embracing thoughts of new possibilities, and becoming the person who no longer tolerates unhealthy dynamics so she has room for healthy ones. That’s the work. If you’re ready to do the work, The Restoration Group is where it happens. You learn the signs of abuse, and more importantly you’ll learn to detect it, to feel it in your body, to trust yourself. You’ll explore the difficulties of your attachment style and relationship dynamics and rework them to healthier ways of relating. The most important work we do is restoring the relationship with yourself, because if you don’t love you, you’ll reject anyone who does. Join this powerful group of women as they become the women they never imagined they could be. The next cohort begins this Thursday, August 13 th . After that, there’s only one more opportunity to do this work for the rest of the year. Register now.