Becoming Un-Desperate for Love

Kerrie Jones • August 1, 2024

Many of us are desperate for love and don’t recognize it. One telltale sign is when you find yourself stuck in the same relationship cycles and patterns that don’t serve you. These cycles leave you feeling hurt, confused, lonely, and sometimes ashamed because you’ve given so much and failed yet again. In your mind, ‘this time will be different’, yet somehow, you’re here again, and again, and again. Be encouraged! There is a way out.

 

Desperation is driven by unmet needs that no matter how hard we try we can never satisfy. We can’t satisfy them because they aren’t actual needs, they’re needs we’ve convinced ourselves we have, born out of painful childhood experiences; let’s call them phantom needs. Left unchecked, phantom needs lead to a lot of pain as we chase after the unattainable. The truth is we all have the need to be loved, first by our parents/caregivers, then by ourselves; and if we weren’t loved properly as children this need quickly becomes desperation if we don’t happen to stumble upon someone who’s willing love us properly. The challenge many of us face is while some of us may gravitate to the person who shows up willing to love us as we need, many of us will reject that person and gravitate toward the people who love us in similar ways to the people who failed to love us properly as children. This is the cycle, overlooking healthy love for toxic love that feels familiar, out of a need to resolve our childhood dilemma.

 

Childhood is the space we are given to learn everything we need to take care of ourselves for the remainder of our lives, including how to love and be loved. If you were loved properly as a child, you then love yourself properly and have a generally healthy approach to loving others. If not, the opposite is true. Children learn by example, our initial lesson is to receive love, and as we learn, our priority shifts to loving ourselves. If you were not loved properly as a child, you will miss the cue to begin loving yourself as you have not been given the tools to do so. Instead, you will move into adulthood continuing to seek after the love you missed in childhood from romantic partners instead of recognizing your responsibility to give it to yourself first. Somewhere in our adolescent years (I imagine) is when the shift takes place and the cycle is put in motion, hence the boy crazy/girl crazy teen.

 

It's also important to note that our perception of love is informed by our childhood experiences. Because we are born with the automatic expectation to receive love, we understand love to be whatever it is we received or witnessed. Thus, no matter what we experienced, we interpret the treatment we received from our caregivers as loving, even if it was completely devoid of love. Generally speaking, if we were neglected as children, we will tolerate and accept neglect in our adult relationships and see it as ‘the way we love each other’. This is how toxic love is born.

 

Healing this type of trauma isn’t a linear process, meaning, there’s no true first, second, and third step to take. There are, however, steps you can take, in whichever order feels right for you, toward healing so that you no longer chase after love outside of yourself. The goal is for you to rely first on self-love and then look to others for love, as God intended. I’m going to provide you with a numbered process, but again, this isn’t linear; you’ll circle back and skip around according to your own needs. I will say, this process is best undertaken with the help of a trained mental health professional or a trusted friend or family member, so they can reflect what they see to help you make more informed decisions. If you have neither, there are things you can do right now in your own company with as little as a journal and a pen to begin moving the needle in the direction of healthy love; the key is to be honest and reflective with yourself about what you think and feel.

 

  1. Become clear about what happened to you. Who hurt you? When? How? What hurt the most about it? What message(s) did that hurt send to you about yourself? How did this hurt change you? Where possible, address your concerns with the people who failed you.
  2. Learn yourself. We are full of strengths and great characteristics, as well as flaws. Who are you? What do you enjoy? What are your strengths? What are your flaws? What are your values? It’s difficult to love what you don’t know.
  3. Know your worth. When we are improperly loved in childhood it can cause us to believe that we are not worthy of proper love because something is wrong with us. The truth is there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you, you are lovable just because you are.
  4. Learn to love yourself. Love is accepting someone exactly as they are, with all of their flaws and being willing to stick it out for life. The easiest way to learn to do this for yourself in adulthood is to surround yourself with people who show you this type of love; people who are willing to hold up the mirror to show you how great you are and how flawed you are, and are willing to love you anyway.
  5. Embrace aloneness. If you can tolerate, and even appreciate spending time alone, it’ll become difficult to settle for time with just anyone. Quality time will need to be quality.
  6. Become clear about what you want out of a relationship. Do you want to be needed or wanted in relationships? As healthy bonding occurs, the need for one another will increase as you grow to depend on one another; however, at the outset of a relationship being needed can create a dependency that can foster resentment down the line
  7. Address the symptoms of the trauma. One of the most common symptoms of childhood relational trauma is fantasizing. Many of us meet someone, and within weeks, or even days the fantasies begin. You begin to envision a future with this person without the evidence that they are a suitable mate. To address this, bring yourself back to the present, what behaviors do they display? What do these behaviors say about who they are? Don’t assume anything is true about them; if you don’t know, ask. Be clear and honest with yourself about the red flags that are present? If you’re making excuses for them, your fantasies have become stronger than your reality.

 

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a good start. The goal here is to work through, process, or even resolve your childhood trauma around improper love so you can clear out the clutter and become more intentional about the love you give yourself and the love you expect to receive from others. By doing this, you become more capable of showing up for yourself and others from a place of worthiness and confidence, rather than from desperation. The truth is, from the moment of your conception you were lovable and worthy of being loved properly. You have the power to shift your mindset so you can achieve the loving relationships you were born to have.

 

If you’re in need of support, I invite you to join the waitlist for a community I’m developing to support singles in their quest for healthy love. Visit https://theothersidetherapy.com/news and enter your email address to join the waitlist under the paragraph entitled ‘Hey’. Additionally, if you’re interested in therapy, I have a few slots available for individuals and couples. Visit the website and book a free 15-minute consultation to determine if we’re a good fit for therapy.

 

Kerrie Jones,

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#143151)

Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (#15245)

Supervised by Dr. Glenna Anderson, LCSW (272046)

Are You Projecting?

By Kerrie Jones • May 26, 2025
I’ve heard it said, “you don’t see people as they are, you see people as you are”, and there’s so much truth to that. If you’ve ever had someone accuse you of something, seemingly out of the blue, with no knowledge of where the accusation came from, you know the impact of not being seen as you are. You hadn’t even considered doing what they said you’ve done, and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. They’ve determined you’re guilty simply because they said so. This is a classic example of projection, and most of us do it. Projection is the imposition of one’s own perspective – thoughts, feelings, & behaviors – onto others, and it’s most easily identified when the perspective tows the line of the unacceptable, like tendencies toward cheating, stealing, etc. Projection, however, can be equally as damaging, possibly even more damaging, when we, without evidence, assume others share our positive perspectives. Many people everyday find themselves in abusive or dangerous situations with others because they assume that others are inherently good, simply because they themselves endeavor to be good to others. Women overlook bad behavior in men, parents excuse a lack of discipline in their children, and strangers let down their guard, all because of a commitment to seeing the best in people. The reality is, people lie, cheat, steal, and kill every day, and though it is my hope that none of those circumstances happen to you, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. In fact, I was recently touched by the story of Lyntell Washington, a pregnant Baton Rouge woman who was murdered in front of her 3-year-old daughter by her then boyfriend. She believed he was better than all the men she dated before him, and she was mistaken, he was much worse. She confronted him about lying, and threatened to disclose their affair to his wife, and he killed her. If that weren’t bad enough, he attempted to use another girlfriend to get away with it. I imagine Lyntell had questions prior to discovering his lies, and I imagine she used projection to excuse those questions so she would not be seen as difficult or combative, and because she likely believed the best, in the face of the worst, she lost her life. Questions are protection; and in order to ask effective questions, you must maintain an awareness of the truth. Ducks quack, liars lie, and thieves steal; and when you excuse and overlook that behavior, you set yourself up to be harmed. Often it seems easier to just trust people, to not maintain boundaries, or to be nice; the truth is the people who approach interpersonal interactions this way are more likely to be harmed. Most people will not be like Lyntell Washington; however, the damage of emotional abuse alone can take years to recover from. Please understand, you can’t afford to see the best in people, you must see the truth, even when the truth makes absolutely no sense to you; and at times, it won’t. I regularly listen to women share stories of the harm being done to them by men they once loved, and it pains me because I know that at some point, they projected positive thoughts and feelings onto these men to settle for less than they ever deserved. It pains me much more to hear about the harm being done by their family and friends, during the aftermath of the breakup, who can’t understand how low these men will go to destroy their former mates, and that there are systems that support them. The truth is, it is useful for children in challenging environments to escape reality in this way, it is harmful when we continue to do it into adulthood, to ourselves and potentially to others. It's time to call a spade a spade. We uphold problematic systems, positions, and relationships when we fail to simply accept the truth that the humanity can be anything from graceful and kind to devious and diabolical, even when the person before us once played the role of graceful and kind. There’s nothing more that’s required from us but that we simply pay attention and open ourselves to the facts of what people do, and ultimately who they are, and the only thing required to do so is time.

Open Your Eyes

By Kerrie Jones • May 19, 2025
Trauma creates negative cycles, and those cycles result in negative consequences, that then lead to negative feelings like sadness, despair, and frustration. When you get there it’s difficult to see anything positive about yourself or your life. You can’t seem to get it together, and you begin to speak in absolutes like, “I can never do anything right”, “I’ll never find someone to love me”, etc. A shallow hole grows deep and your find yourself stuck. The same perspective, however, is not typically true when you look at others – you only see sunshine and rainbows over their lives while your life is covered by dark clouds and rain.  The truth is we all experience sunshine and rain, and when we choose to only focus on one of these experiences, we can find ourselves in a state of overwhelm. If we choose to only focus on the good times, we are overtaken and distraught when not so good times present themselves. When we only focus on the bad times, we can exacerbate and even attract more negativity as our energy is consumed by the negative. Most times, there is both positive and negative happening in our lives at the same time, though we can’t always see it. Both are the fruit of our thoughts, words, and actions. When you sew an apple seed and you reap and apple trees with apples you’ve done exactly what you intended to do. When you sew oranges and you end up with avocados, and you hate avocados, you’ve done something wrong and it’s easy to get caught up focusing on the avocados instead of going back to the seed. If you’re not getting what you want out of life, open your eyes to the lesson. Often, the lesson isn’t apparent, otherwise, we wouldn’t find ourselves repeating negative cycles. When we can’t break out of patterns it’s a sign there’s something we can’t see. In this case, we need to seek out the help of others – a trusted and wise family or friend is capable of bringing your attention to what you cannot see on your own. A good therapist will also be able to shed light on the dark or hidden spots in your life. In my experience, when you’re seeking, you’ll find it; and when you know better, you will most likely do better. Also, in the midst of your difficulty, it is helpful to notice what’s not so difficult; to see the areas in life in which you’re winning. You’re not a total loser, no one is; in fact, you’re not a loser at all, like the rest of us, you’re subject to lessons. No one’s life is overall easier than yours. Everyone has had to face lessons and overcome obstacles. When you believe you’ve missed a handout you subscribe to the idea that you must be rescued, and the truth is, there’s no one to rescue any of us. We were all born with the drive and will to take care of ourselves, and we all have had to face impediments to doing so. Somewhere along the way the shortcomings of those who were supposed to provide you with temporary care led you to believe there was something inherently wrong with you and that you need a lifelong caretaker. This is a lie. You were born with everything you need, maybe you buried or pushed some of it away because you thought it wasn’t useful for others, but those parts of you are more useful to you now than ever before. Lean into your uniqueness. Embrace your gifts. Acknowledge your flaws. All of it is a part of you, and all of it will carry you to the next level. Nothing in life exists without positive and negative, all matter exists because of both. When you realize and accept that both exist in your life, you may discover a greater appreciation for the life you live; and that the fruit you get to enjoy is a result of the intentional seeds you’ve planted…open your eyes.

What is Trauma?

By Kerrie Jones • March 31, 2025
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a therapist and my proximity to mental health, but there seems to be more discussions about trauma these days, and I’d like to set the record straight. Well, as straight as possible, because when it comes to people, there are no absolutes; so I guess instead of straightening the record, I’d like to help you gain a bit of clarity about trauma because what we believe to be true greatly impacts our approach to life, and how you approach your life affects the outcomes of your life. Trauma is not the terrible experiences you’ve had; it is the outcome of having had terrible experiences. Specifically, your trauma is the ways in which you disconnect from yourself as a result of having endured something terrible. So, you can experience something traumatic (or terrible) and it may or may not result in trauma (a separation from yourself); the outcome depends largely on one factor wisdom. Childhood is when most trauma occurs, and most children unknowingly rely on adults for wisdom. So, when children endure traumatic experiences alone and they don’t have someone wise to process those experiences with they typically blame and turn on themselves, resulting in trauma. For example, a child who is touched sexually without the intervention of wisdom with feel shame and blame themselves for the actions of an inappropriate adult. A child whose parents are going through divorce, without wisdom may believe they are the reason for their parent’s split. These feelings and subsequent beliefs cause the child to distance the parts of themselves they believe to be responsible for their own distress, and they will take steps to attempt to fix or resolve the issue with those who are truly responsible, which is impossible, but the child will continue to try. With time, these feelings and beliefs manifest in all sorts of problematic behaviors – people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, overexplaining, self-abandonment, etc. – that point back to the powerless little boy or girl who began the process of disconnecting from themselves. That’s trauma; the adaptation of a child who was never really the problem, but thought they were, so they continue into adulthood trying to push away who they really are because of beliefs that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trauma is about beliefs. Healing trauma requires a healing of beliefs, and a welcoming in and embrace of the true self. What do you believe about yourself? What might you need to heal?